How to: Distract Me...

This morning during my first class, I felt my very strong cup coffee kick in. I must have looked like a druggy trying to take my test. My legs were spazzing out. My hands hand an obvious tremor. My heart was racing. It was very distracting to me. Oh, but then the fun continued when I finished my test and left to go practice some piano. I found out today that I cannot play piano when I am on a caffeine high. Beethoven, Chopin, Brahms... Whatever! It won't work!

Where I spend most of my time

That has basically been my life for the past month. I have not disappeared off the face of the earth. I have just been a little busy. (For those wondering what I decided to do with my life, I'm going to finish my music degree!) It has taken some time for me to adjust to my new lifestyle in school and being alone so much. Staying busy kind of distracts me from the fact that I am no longer living with and taking care of 3 other people. I posted before about expecting and empty nest, well now I have the empty nest. Am I supposed to be going through a midlife crisis too?

Josh is in California doing some training for his deployment and won't be back until February 11th. Thankfully, we have skype so it makes communication a little better. The distance is hard and will be harder when he's in Afghanistan but then again it makes me really proud. The job that he's training for is meaningful and will directly affect our freedom and safety. I hate that he has to go, but I'm glad God chose him because I know without a doubt that Josh is the man for that job. Also, here recently me and the other spouses have become a lot closer. It's hard to describe the bond that military spouses have. We haven't known each other long but based solely on our situation, it's more like a sisterhood. Those girls are there for me and I am there for them. We have a bond that is different than other friendships and it keeps us strong.

Coffee, school, and my sister spouses. Three key things to distract me from Josh's deployment.

Expecting... an empty nest.

Wow... the holidays FLEW by! Before Christmas I was a stay at home "mom," constantly busy with the kids and whatever else was going on. But now, goodness. It's been something else entirely.

Since Sarah and Hannah returned home to their mother, there have been plenty of things to get used to around our now quiet apartment. For one, I took a short little nap the other morning and I woke up in a frenzy thinking I was late to pick up Hannah from Pre-K. I am also still on their snack time schedule. Every time 3:30 rolls around I think of them while I stuff my face with oreos. Speaking of, that time is about right now. But Josh and I agree that it is hard with out them. I think we were fueled off of the constant drama or giggles coming out of their bedroom.

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

But Josh and I are adapting quite well. We began by de-childproofing our home. We finally got to decorate the way that we wanted to and I owe all of it to my husband, really. He's simply amazing. I have registered for 15 hours worth of classes at ASU. I have had plenty of time to commit to picking up my skills on the piano and studying music theory. We have gone out with our friends many times. We even had my cousin and her boyfriend over for a BBQ (a first at the Burrow residence). But I can't help but think that this will also be short lived.

At the end of January Josh will begin traveling for all the training required for his deployment in March. I will get to spend some time with Josh before he leaves between these training trips but I can't allow myself to neglect school all together when he is home. That will be a tough concept to follow through with. My mind has allowed me to soak all this in very slowly and I am grateful for that. I'm not much of a crier unless something has really moved me beyond an overwhelming state of emotion. The petty things really don't both me, or at least I don't allow them to. But everything combined adds up to a loneliness that I know is inevitable. And that is an uncomfortable thought. How can I be lonely when I have so many friends and family around? How can I be lonely when I know that my best friend is only a phone call away? How can I be lonely when the One who I really need to talk to is only a prayer away? But still... loneliness.

I'm hoping that school and church will really consume most of my worries. Josh will be in dangerous territory but God has planned out everything so why should I doubt Him now? 2nd Timothy says that God didn't give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. So I claim that over myself and Josh. Six months can only last so long.

The Beginning of Another's End

If you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.
                                                                                         Romans 12:8 (the message)

I was the baby of my family. I didn't have a younger sibbling to look after or take care of. Growing up, I didn't have a care in the world. I would wake up, go to school where I always had many friends, come home and play with even more friends from my neighborhood. I always had more then enough food and snacks. I would go to gymnastics, or cheerleading, or choir, or swimming, or piano lessons. My mom would take me shopping for the funnest toys or the cutest clothes. I was in church every Sunday and Wednesday. I was involved in school or church competitions which gave me the opportunity to travel all across America. My parents were awesome and I am very grateful for the life that they gave me.

Hannah embracing the changes outside

Then BAM! Life changed in the course of a few days. If you have kept up with me lately you would know that me and my husband, Josh gained temporary custody of his two little sisters. Sarah and Hannah have lived with us since September 17th of 2010.

I don't know if you noticed it, but while I described my childhood I said "I" a lot. That was how life used to be for me. No cares, no worries, only a self-centered series of decisions to shape a life that I thought was somewhat decent. Maybe in some eyes my life before this substitute parenthood was good. But my eyes have opened up to LOVE and what it really means to LOVE. I'm not perfect. This has been the hardest thing that I have gone through and there have been times that I failed miserably. Honestly, I got extremely irritated and depressed. But each morning God gave me was a new day to start over fresh without failure or negativity. I have had many new days to hug these girls, to love on them and hear them laugh and watch them grow.

God has given my mother-in-law a new morning to start over fresh without failure or negativity too. The girls will be moving back in with her this weekend...

I just had a moment of writers' block. And I think I know why.

People keep asking Josh and I how we feel about the girls moving out. We say that we are sad to see them go but excited because we can have our newlywed time that we've missed out on. I have been looking forward to this time for a very long time now. But as I take a step back to look over this past year, I'm starting to struggle with the idea of letting them go too. Sarah came home from school in tears. I held her and let her cry for a while. I wanted to tell her that she could stay as long as she wanted and that things don't have to change again. But I have to face the truth too.

Sarah's last day of school with her buds

Changes happen. We look at most changes as a bad thing, but really it's never a bad thing as long as God has control. So the girls will move back to Midland. In a couple months Josh will go to Afghanistan. I will have an empty nest but I know it will be ok. I have surrendered every part of my life to God. I understand that I have no control over what happens in my life or anybody else's either. So I will continue to live this life that God has given me with a smile on my face.

Stupid Angry Birds

So I went to Walmart a couple days ago to pick up a few odds and ends we needed at home. I turned down the canned veggi isle and saw two birds on the ground down towards the other end of the isle. I didn't really pay much attention to them, they'd get out of my way later. I was scoping the racks for the right cans I needed when a Walmart employee came rushing my direction from that same far side of the isle. This sent the birds into escape mode and the only direction they had to go was toward me. One got away just fine but the other one had a struggle lifting off and ended up flying right to where my head would have been if I hadn't ducked. It crashed into the pickle jars and frantically managed to get on top of the shelf where it settled. I caught the eyes of the employee. At first there were no verbal words exchanged between us, just wide eyed looks communicating the "what the heck" confusion going on in our brains. Then the laughter.

I usually go to the store and expect the collisions with other busy shoppers, not birds! But of course, and forgive me for being a little corny, that is life in the unexpected.

Stupid Angry Birds

Choosing Change

The other day I was watching Hannah play in the yard and a strong, crisp fall wind blew in and interrupted her adventures. She came came running to me with her hair in a mess and dirt all over her disgruntled face. It was then that I realized that fall has come and so have a few changes. The leaves have slightly tented in color, and the temperature has gotten below 90 but more than that, we have all grown.

Josh still can't get over the fact that Hannah is now wearing a toddler size 11 in shoes and a 5T in clothing. Sarah is still pencil thin, but she is starting to level in height with me. In fact, I let her wear my shoes from time to time. The growth in Josh and I is not as noticeable, but it is there. It's just underneath the surface. We have not grown in physical size (well, not by much) but we have expanded more in our mental growth. Marriage alone can do that to a person, but children tend to make you grow a lot more. And that's OK. It's necessary.

This past year has been all about the changes and the transition between one epic even to the next. Next week will start another transition period for us. This is the big one. This is the change that we have all been looking forward to all year. It does not mark the end of our unique experience but it does mark a new era. I'm looking forward to more smiles and hugs. I'm looking forward to many more happy family get-togethers. I'm especially looking forward to seeing God's workmanship come to life for my mother-in-law and her beautiful girls.

Last year was not a pretty picture and God chose to change it. Change reveals our flaws. Change uncovers what we try to hide. But the beauty of change is that it comes every morning. Change is good. It allows us to rid ourselves of all the same ol' junk that consistently consumes us. God chooses to change things for the better when the devil meant it for the worst. God chose to change my life so that I can be a better person. God chose to change our family's not so pretty picture into a masterpiece.

Hannah-isms

Hannah (age 4 and my sister-in-law) loves to sing songs. She also loves to say the weirdest things. She often unknowingly combines these two loves and brings so much amusement into our home. Here are a few:

1.   Me- "This is ridiculous."
      Hannah- "Your face is ridiculous!"

2. The real words of Nickelodeon's Victorious theme song- "You don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action."
     Hannah's version- "You don't have to be a part of the breeding action."

3. The real words to Colbie Caillat's I Won't- "I don't want to pretend that you are not my lover..."
    Hannah's- "You are not my brother."

4. The real words to praise and worship song Desert Song- "God is my victory and He is here."
    Hannah's- "God is my victory on a Saturday night."

5. The Farmer and the Dell song...
    Hannah's- "Hi-Ho the dontcha know..."

6. Abandon's song Hero- "He gave His life so we could be free."
    Hannah's- "He gave His life so we could be friends."

There are probably more Hannah-isms that I could list but they have become a normal occurance and I can't remember all of them. I know I have said before that she knows how to drive me crazy. She's 4 so I guess that just comes with the territory. But she also knows how to make me smile and when she does it brightens my day.

Yesterday I was worried about our whole situation with the girls and their mother. Hannah interrupted my thoughts because she wanted to tell me about something she learned at church. She began telling me the story about how Jesus calmed the waters. She got so excited and said,"Guess what Jesus said!?" I shrugged. She replied, "Peace be still." How awesome is it that I just so happened to be tossing and turning in the waves of my worry? And then she comes up and quotes Jesus!

She may say the strangest things but to me they're beginning to make sense.

Rolling With The Punches

It seems like the closer we get to giving the girls back to their mom, the harder it is. You'd think that it would start to get easier but it's not. Unexpected things just keep happening and it's very disheartening.

Did you know that one of the men who was chosen to sell guns to the Mexican cartel in the fast and the furious case uses food stamps as his source of income? Law abiding citizens who struggle everyday to get by are competing with this guy for federal help. How ridiculous! Of course you hear it everyday. Lazy people are moochers and will get what they want without working for it, or at least legally working for it. The Air Force has been our one and only source of income during our time of supporting Sarah and Hannah. We have received no financial help because of some stupid rules and yet we are making it.

The government has threatened to shut down several times, thus putting military pay at a stand still until agreements have been made. Luckily, it has never came to the point where we haven't received Josh's pay check. But I have no worries even if it comes to that point. God is my provider. He is our source of revenue and financial support. He sees our need and He fills it. I have no doubt in my mind that the reason our family is making it is because we trust in a God who is greater than any power of an economy, government, parliament, president or ruler on earth.

So yes, we are dealing with some very unexpected things right now. Money always stresses out everybody but we are OK in that department. The emotional and physical damage that the girls have undergone surpasses anything I could ever worry about. Oh and Josh is getting deployed to Afghanistan in March... This world and some of the people in it are so evil. But 2 Timothy says that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So I'm gonna try and marinate on that. I know there is a greater purpose for all the negative in my life, even if I can't see it right now.