The Beginning of Another's End

If you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.
                                                                                         Romans 12:8 (the message)

I was the baby of my family. I didn't have a younger sibbling to look after or take care of. Growing up, I didn't have a care in the world. I would wake up, go to school where I always had many friends, come home and play with even more friends from my neighborhood. I always had more then enough food and snacks. I would go to gymnastics, or cheerleading, or choir, or swimming, or piano lessons. My mom would take me shopping for the funnest toys or the cutest clothes. I was in church every Sunday and Wednesday. I was involved in school or church competitions which gave me the opportunity to travel all across America. My parents were awesome and I am very grateful for the life that they gave me.

Hannah embracing the changes outside

Then BAM! Life changed in the course of a few days. If you have kept up with me lately you would know that me and my husband, Josh gained temporary custody of his two little sisters. Sarah and Hannah have lived with us since September 17th of 2010.

I don't know if you noticed it, but while I described my childhood I said "I" a lot. That was how life used to be for me. No cares, no worries, only a self-centered series of decisions to shape a life that I thought was somewhat decent. Maybe in some eyes my life before this substitute parenthood was good. But my eyes have opened up to LOVE and what it really means to LOVE. I'm not perfect. This has been the hardest thing that I have gone through and there have been times that I failed miserably. Honestly, I got extremely irritated and depressed. But each morning God gave me was a new day to start over fresh without failure or negativity. I have had many new days to hug these girls, to love on them and hear them laugh and watch them grow.

God has given my mother-in-law a new morning to start over fresh without failure or negativity too. The girls will be moving back in with her this weekend...

I just had a moment of writers' block. And I think I know why.

People keep asking Josh and I how we feel about the girls moving out. We say that we are sad to see them go but excited because we can have our newlywed time that we've missed out on. I have been looking forward to this time for a very long time now. But as I take a step back to look over this past year, I'm starting to struggle with the idea of letting them go too. Sarah came home from school in tears. I held her and let her cry for a while. I wanted to tell her that she could stay as long as she wanted and that things don't have to change again. But I have to face the truth too.

Sarah's last day of school with her buds

Changes happen. We look at most changes as a bad thing, but really it's never a bad thing as long as God has control. So the girls will move back to Midland. In a couple months Josh will go to Afghanistan. I will have an empty nest but I know it will be ok. I have surrendered every part of my life to God. I understand that I have no control over what happens in my life or anybody else's either. So I will continue to live this life that God has given me with a smile on my face.

Stupid Angry Birds

So I went to Walmart a couple days ago to pick up a few odds and ends we needed at home. I turned down the canned veggi isle and saw two birds on the ground down towards the other end of the isle. I didn't really pay much attention to them, they'd get out of my way later. I was scoping the racks for the right cans I needed when a Walmart employee came rushing my direction from that same far side of the isle. This sent the birds into escape mode and the only direction they had to go was toward me. One got away just fine but the other one had a struggle lifting off and ended up flying right to where my head would have been if I hadn't ducked. It crashed into the pickle jars and frantically managed to get on top of the shelf where it settled. I caught the eyes of the employee. At first there were no verbal words exchanged between us, just wide eyed looks communicating the "what the heck" confusion going on in our brains. Then the laughter.

I usually go to the store and expect the collisions with other busy shoppers, not birds! But of course, and forgive me for being a little corny, that is life in the unexpected.

Stupid Angry Birds

Choosing Change

The other day I was watching Hannah play in the yard and a strong, crisp fall wind blew in and interrupted her adventures. She came came running to me with her hair in a mess and dirt all over her disgruntled face. It was then that I realized that fall has come and so have a few changes. The leaves have slightly tented in color, and the temperature has gotten below 90 but more than that, we have all grown.

Josh still can't get over the fact that Hannah is now wearing a toddler size 11 in shoes and a 5T in clothing. Sarah is still pencil thin, but she is starting to level in height with me. In fact, I let her wear my shoes from time to time. The growth in Josh and I is not as noticeable, but it is there. It's just underneath the surface. We have not grown in physical size (well, not by much) but we have expanded more in our mental growth. Marriage alone can do that to a person, but children tend to make you grow a lot more. And that's OK. It's necessary.

This past year has been all about the changes and the transition between one epic even to the next. Next week will start another transition period for us. This is the big one. This is the change that we have all been looking forward to all year. It does not mark the end of our unique experience but it does mark a new era. I'm looking forward to more smiles and hugs. I'm looking forward to many more happy family get-togethers. I'm especially looking forward to seeing God's workmanship come to life for my mother-in-law and her beautiful girls.

Last year was not a pretty picture and God chose to change it. Change reveals our flaws. Change uncovers what we try to hide. But the beauty of change is that it comes every morning. Change is good. It allows us to rid ourselves of all the same ol' junk that consistently consumes us. God chooses to change things for the better when the devil meant it for the worst. God chose to change my life so that I can be a better person. God chose to change our family's not so pretty picture into a masterpiece.

Hannah-isms

Hannah (age 4 and my sister-in-law) loves to sing songs. She also loves to say the weirdest things. She often unknowingly combines these two loves and brings so much amusement into our home. Here are a few:

1.   Me- "This is ridiculous."
      Hannah- "Your face is ridiculous!"

2. The real words of Nickelodeon's Victorious theme song- "You don't have to be afraid to put your dream in action."
     Hannah's version- "You don't have to be a part of the breeding action."

3. The real words to Colbie Caillat's I Won't- "I don't want to pretend that you are not my lover..."
    Hannah's- "You are not my brother."

4. The real words to praise and worship song Desert Song- "God is my victory and He is here."
    Hannah's- "God is my victory on a Saturday night."

5. The Farmer and the Dell song...
    Hannah's- "Hi-Ho the dontcha know..."

6. Abandon's song Hero- "He gave His life so we could be free."
    Hannah's- "He gave His life so we could be friends."

There are probably more Hannah-isms that I could list but they have become a normal occurance and I can't remember all of them. I know I have said before that she knows how to drive me crazy. She's 4 so I guess that just comes with the territory. But she also knows how to make me smile and when she does it brightens my day.

Yesterday I was worried about our whole situation with the girls and their mother. Hannah interrupted my thoughts because she wanted to tell me about something she learned at church. She began telling me the story about how Jesus calmed the waters. She got so excited and said,"Guess what Jesus said!?" I shrugged. She replied, "Peace be still." How awesome is it that I just so happened to be tossing and turning in the waves of my worry? And then she comes up and quotes Jesus!

She may say the strangest things but to me they're beginning to make sense.

Rolling With The Punches

It seems like the closer we get to giving the girls back to their mom, the harder it is. You'd think that it would start to get easier but it's not. Unexpected things just keep happening and it's very disheartening.

Did you know that one of the men who was chosen to sell guns to the Mexican cartel in the fast and the furious case uses food stamps as his source of income? Law abiding citizens who struggle everyday to get by are competing with this guy for federal help. How ridiculous! Of course you hear it everyday. Lazy people are moochers and will get what they want without working for it, or at least legally working for it. The Air Force has been our one and only source of income during our time of supporting Sarah and Hannah. We have received no financial help because of some stupid rules and yet we are making it.

The government has threatened to shut down several times, thus putting military pay at a stand still until agreements have been made. Luckily, it has never came to the point where we haven't received Josh's pay check. But I have no worries even if it comes to that point. God is my provider. He is our source of revenue and financial support. He sees our need and He fills it. I have no doubt in my mind that the reason our family is making it is because we trust in a God who is greater than any power of an economy, government, parliament, president or ruler on earth.

So yes, we are dealing with some very unexpected things right now. Money always stresses out everybody but we are OK in that department. The emotional and physical damage that the girls have undergone surpasses anything I could ever worry about. Oh and Josh is getting deployed to Afghanistan in March... This world and some of the people in it are so evil. But 2 Timothy says that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. So I'm gonna try and marinate on that. I know there is a greater purpose for all the negative in my life, even if I can't see it right now.

23 with lots of memories

Tomorrow I will turn 23. It doesn't seem possible. Birthdays always make me reminisce on the past. You might enjoy some of this.

I remember back in elementary school when Josh had become my new crush. At age 10, I didn't realize that he would be the one I'd marry. But I sure knew that he was something else. I remember one day he flipped his eye lids out and it freaked me out! I seriously had a nightmare about Josh that night. It was most likely at that point when I realized that he was a little more than something else I wanted at the time.  

Just guess which one is Josh

But Josh had already sworn to himself that he'd marry me one day. He reminds me of that moment all the time. I was on the stage in the Bonham Elementary cafeteria for our 4th grade talent show. I had a mic in hand and my favorite glittery leather jacket on. I sang and danced my heart out that day to Britney Spears' "Sometimes I Run." Embarrassing, yes. But if that's what it took to win his heart, I'd do it everyday. Josh remembers everything even down to my dance moves. Next time you see us, you should get Josh to do the dance for you. He does it better than me.

Well, we couldn't stay kids forever, but I don't mind. Josh's little sister Sarah, is now 10 and she already having crush after crush. Hannah (4) loves everybody. At one point she wanted to marry me. Then the next day she told me that me and "bubba" had to break up so that she could marry her "bubba." Now that she is in pre-K she is around more boys her age, one of which has a crush on her! Oh my! But he is always super sweet to her. Last Friday when they were walking together to the parking lot, I heard him tell her that he liked her and he hoped she had a great weekend. It was so sweet but also a little crazy! They're only 4!

As we grow older it seems like the younger kids just grow in every way possible. It's a little scary. One day Sarah and Hannah will find a guy who will hopefully treat them as good as their bubba treats me. I just hope it will be more later than sooner!

I'll try to add some pictures of me when I was younger another time. All those pictures are at my parent's house.

As Stubborn As They Get

I have noticed a trend developing in the relationship between Hannah (age 4) and I. She loves to bug me.

Sunday night while I was tucking Hannah in, I realized that she was fixing her pillows strait up and down. Ouch! I could only imagine the pain in her neck the next morning. So I fixed them for her and told her that she'd be much more comfortable. She gave me her "I-do-what-I-want" look and laid her head down.

The next morning, I went to wake up the girls for school and I found something very funny. I guess after I had left the room the night before Hannah had placed her pillows strait up and down again. (I should probably let you know that she likes to sleep with 2 big fluffy pillows. She also has 2 very small pillows just for her baby doll. She has plenty of pillows.) Instead of sleeping on her big pillows, she was sleeping on one of the tiny baby doll pillows. Go figure.

Last night we went through the same thing. This morning when I walked into their room to wake them up, Hannah wasn't even using a pillow. She waded up the little blanket she uses for her baby doll and used that as a pillow. She confessed today that she just didn't want me to be right about the pillows. She really is as stubborn as they get. She sacrifices her own comfort just so she won't have to be wrong.

Hannah has had many situations of stubbornness that has really tested my patience. I can handle Sarah. She's easy. We understand each other. But Hannah has it in her mind that everybody else is wrong. A couple weeks ago Hannah was learning the names of the months and the days of the week. She got them confused so I tried to correct her. But of course, I just had to be wrong. Tuesday was not a day. And September was not a month. And she was dead serious. It got to be just a little ridiculous.

By the way, this picture is evidence of Hannah's stubborn personality. I wanted to take a picture of her at a wedding reception but Hannah didn't want to. As soon as she saw me taking a picture of her big sister she knew she just had to make a statement.

Oh that child... But God knows I love her.

A year as a "mom"

I've never blogged. But today I will.

Growing up I was always a perfectionist. I planned things out. I knew what was going to happen and when it needed to be done. But the thing with plans is... they never work. I've always heard that if you want to make God laugh then you should just make plans. Well, God must have been laughing a lot at my plans. Things happen. This is how I am learning to submit to God's plan:

Josh and I got married in June of 2010. It was a beautiful wedding. All of our family and friends were there. It was perfect. But in Septemeber of the same year something not so perfect happened. We gained custody of Josh's two little sisters. I remember that day perfectly, though. Josh came home early from work and from the look on his face I knew that life would never be the same. He told me that it would be hard, but Sarah (age 9 then) and Hannah (age 3 then) needed us. It was only supposed to be temporary but people make mistakes. Some mistakes have longer reprocussions.

I had no idea what I was doing and I still don't know what I am doing. There have been days that have made me laugh so hard that I've cried. And there have been days that I've been so mad that I've cried. Before we got the girls, I thought I was quiet, calm and gentle. But I have learned that I can yell, I am easily frustrated and that I know how to slam a door. Sometimes I am the encourager. And other times I am the complainer. People keep telling me that I am doing a good job and that I am so strong. I like to believe that. Some days are harder than others, however.

Septemeber 17th will mark a year since we took the girls in. Their mother is reaping the consequences of unfortunate mistakes. I love my mother-in-law. She has a good head on her shoulders. She just chose not to use it at the wrong time. She should have died. From a medical perspective, it's a miracle that she's alive. But God had other plans. I have faith that she will be a good mother to the girls. I also have faith that she will use this experience to witness to people who need to hear her testimony.

So this is life in the unexpected. Never underestimate the changes in your life. God places them there for a reason. It takes a while to figure it out but when you do figure it out let me know. I'm still trying to figure it out.

                                                     (Easter 2011)